“The Certainty of Ambiguity – An Ode To Gram”
By: Alexandra Christ
Life without you shimmers less serene
Life without you feels incomplete
I shake my head to disperse the fog
Nostalgia and memories
Now the only things I have to hold on
Feeling heavy and light simultaneously
Lack of balance like I’m walking on a trapeze
The path of life full of the certainty of ambiguity
I scrutinize the present to be in touch with my awareness
Aware of how I feel somber
Aware of how I tremble
As my mind continues to wander
These emotions rush upon me
Tsunami waves of pain
Feeling lost, flight or fight
How I yearn just to escape
It is so hard to accept that this is fate
How perilous and punishing death can be
How quickly Death can grab and take
I continue to run, searching for you
A never ending race
Did I lose or did I win?
It is hard to conceptualize
When the concept seems full of lies
Maybe if I lie down then I will awake from this bad dream
How I wish to sleep but then I found I’m only counting sheep
Now I am counting on the sheep to keep me awake
How can I rest when the rest of you is so far away?
Those moments with you, Gram, forever engrained
The future now seems so opaque
I search to find meaning in a world that will never be the same
Moments that I need to cherish
Before they turn into memories
Into the hard drive of my mind
While I’m hopelessly trying to find the keys
Before you speed away
In a blink of an eye
I’m stuck at the stop sign
You’re no longer in sight
I try to catch you but I am hit with disarray
Discombobulated and disqualified
I’m not ready to say goodbye
My heart feels heavy
Yet my body feels light
So unsteady
Teetering like a kite
The string is cut
There’s no place to hold
With pain I’m struck
The complexities of cumbersome angst
I waver and fold
Knowing if I let you go
That you will float away
Up high
Never to return
Leaving me with an aching heart that yearns
For your presence one last time
This petulant paralysis
Persistently gnawing away
Shivers orchestrate with gasps of air
I fight to breathe
I succumb to despair
How can life be so free yet viciously unfair?
It’s so hard to see with eyes closed
But my vision disputes with disbelief
That this is reality
Not tricks or antics from my mind
It’s the somber sound of silence
Knowing this world has lost such a powerful voice
Accepting that the circle of life has made its choice
I’m weary with pain
Yet I feel you still here
I pray you don’t leave, but I know I must let go
If only memories were tangible pieces
More than thoughts engraved and etched in our heads
I hope to collect all those pieces
To keep and hold so I never forget
I hope to always remember the impact you left on this world
The influence you shared of equity
As a teacher to every student, boy and girl
The lessons you offered effortlessly
Your name mentioned by all with glee
You were unique, special, and rare
A woman, mother, wife, grandmother, teacher, friend
All of those roles
Who no one could compare
Unconditional care and a lending hand to hold
A guide, support, and a leader for life
A flame that could never compete with your radiant, bright light
You were everything in each and every way
You were the epitome of hope and trust
You shaped us to be who we are today
To face this world with rigor and robust
To love with revere and reciprocate respect
An architect
Of altruism and benevolence
A builder and foster of independence
Your heart beat with purpose and passion
To serve as a model of diligence
To lead with integrity
To demonstrate the beauty of life is how you choose to live
Make every day count and you will always win
Celebrate what you have
Always make time to laugh
Face challenges to learn and grow
Resilience rectifies the feeble hands of failure
If one continues to reflect and persevere
Your mindset and outlook are traits I will carry close
I have lost you in this realm of life
But your spirit will remain by my side
To evoke the courage to face every day the best I can
My moral compass to help me navigate
This aberration of the world as Time dictates
To guide me to reconcile this insurmountable fate
Through these somber words I strive to search for solace
So I’ll open this window and let your soul free
To navigate the next chapter of life’s mystery
Guided through your omnipresent serendipity
As my omniscient narrator
An all-knowing voice
An ongoing reminder to vanquish the void
And look back on the memories enjoyed
Having you as a grandmother was the greatest gift
A woman to model through copious accomplishments
I am forever grateful for all of the years
For teaching me tenacity through tragedy
For an affinity of amicable affirmations
For profound proclamations
That we are “deserving of” love even if we feel unsure
That no matter what we endure
Our love for one another is infinitely pure
Although life’s riddles can be so elusive and obscure
An odyssey of ambiguity
Lead by the certainty
That we choose to live and not simply “be”
To accept that choice and fate can coexist simultaneously
How we choose to react is how we dictate
The aspect of control that no one can take away
Having no knowledge of our timeline
Only leaves the utmost priority
To invest in our best as a form of authenticity
Find transactions in the frame of Time and self-tranquility
To live life fully with hearts of harmony
Each beat orchestrated to create a symphony
To bring us together to celebrate this masterpiece
Forever connected, our realities, built upon love
To evoke embellished ebullient endeavors
To create jovial justice
That we must liberate from within
This pinnacle moment of “giving it your all” vs. “giving in”
I will give my all for you, Gram
In memory of how you have taught me how to live
Until our paths cross again
Which I am absolutely sure
The past, the present, and future me will always love you more.
Published on December 22, 2022.